Soundtrack Of My Life...

Sunday Brunch

2011-10-24T12:07:00.002-04:00

Pancakes, waffles, scrambled eggs can't compare to this,

What you give me is better than Sunday Brunch.

Unlimited mimosas and sirloin steak are secondary at best,

What you give me is better than Sunday Brunch.

Hash browns covered, smothered, chopped, and chunked just won't due.

What you give me is better than Sunday Brunch.

It's your heart...

Notice

2011-10-24T10:18:00.002-04:00

Dear McDonald's Drive-Thru Lady,

If I speak to you in English please don't speak to me in Spanish.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING BECAUSE I AM NOT HISPANIC NOR DO I SPEAK SPANISH!!

Thanks,

A Light Skinned Black Girl.

Complex and complicated

2011-07-31T16:31:00.009-04:00

Complex "a whole made up of complicated or interrelated parts."

Well that is a pretty good definition of life. Its just too much.

Life can take you through twists and turns unexpectedly. It can put forth challenges that you never think you are capable of conquering. The old saying that, "g-d doesn't give you more than you can handle," starts to burn your ears. Why have a bunch of fucked up things happen just because you can "handle" them? Doesn't make sense to me.

Sitting here trying to even right this I find my mind racing. So much to think about. Important possible life changing decisions to be made. Its scary, uncomfortable, confusing, serious, and exhausting.
Sometimes I just don't wanna, but I gotta.

This whole idea sure looks good on paper, but when it boils down to it whose really going to be happy? This box that we may walk ourselves into could suffocate us both. There are so many unhappy people out here. They are living a lie and that has got to be one of the hardest things a person can possibly endure. Even I am susceptible to it and I am not even sure how I got here.

I had a very emotional conversation this morning. I opened up about some things that I felt vulnerable against and what I really want out of my life. There were things that I had talked about before, but most of them were things I had never acknowledged let alone said them out loud. I sobbed the entire time. There is no handbook on how to do this. My head just keeps spinning from all the thoughts. I know I can't be the only one out there that feels like this.

I love me and who I am. All of the complexities, complications, joys and pains. It just me, who I am.

an ode to my swan...

2010-10-26T11:19:00.001-04:00

"Maybe I Could Help Elevate Love, Life's Existence.
Not Exiguous But Luxurious Easily Today, Tomorrow."

Whose Afraid of the Big Bad C??

2010-05-19T13:27:00.001-04:00

Why are some people so afraid of commitment? Perhaps they were hurt badly by a past lover or have not met the right one. It may even stem back to their childhood and the relationship examples they had by their parents or other adults around them.

Nonetheless, there comes a time when we need to face those fears head on. We need to open ourselves up to being vulnerable. Being committed is not a bad thing. No one should feel like it is a bad word. I have definitely had my share of heartbreak that has made me stray a bit from a relationship.

My parents have been married for almost 33 years. At times I'm thinking could I stand to be around someone for that long...or could someone stand me for that long? But then I see the love, admiration, attention, support, and friendship that they have for one another and I realize that is what I want. They have been a great example of a couple. A cohesive unit. Everyone has their ups and downs, but seeing how to work through the downs gives me hope.

As I am nearing 32 years of age I have realized that the only person I am hurting is me. Bring on the commitment!! (and some kids too please)

-DJ

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/latenitesnacks/2010/05/19/the-big-ccommitment-phobe-1

I am not a player...

2010-05-19T13:22:00.002-04:00

Tuesday May 11th's show was a lot of fun!!
Special thanks to our very funny and insightful special guest Amy Tee.
We got a call in from one of our favorite people Mel Robertson.
Gloria was in rare form (I love it when she gets feisty)!!
According to Gloria some of us are on another level of " player."

Does being honest make you a new type of player? I mean, we are adults, if everyone involved knows the deal who does that make a person a player? It makes the person honest and open right? I think so!

When I got out of my last relationship three years ago, dating and being in a new relationship was the last thing I wanted to do. So anyone I became involved with knew upfront what they could expect from me. Nothing more, nothing less. Take it or leave it. Most decided to stick around but I wasn't happy. I was hurt badly and I was not about to give anyone else the opportunity to break me down further. At the same time I had no intentions on hurting anyone during my process of healing which is why I was so honest and upfront about things. But I still got the label of being a player. When all I really was was heartbroken.

Fast forward to today. No longer heartbroken. Things are different. I want a relationship. I want kids. I want my own family. These things will come to me when the time is right. Until then I'll keep looking and sampling until I get the right flavor.

DJ

Tune in to see what you missed!!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/latenitesnacks/2010/05/12/lady-players

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/latenitesnacks.rss

2010-03-01T09:19:00.000-05:00

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/latenitesnacks.rss

Dear Lover

2010-02-14T18:34:00.007-05:00

Imagine the most passionate, loving, long, slow sensual love scene you have ever seen in a movie. Now multiply that by 10 and you will come close to a fraction of what its like with us.

It is kinda scary how good it feels when we kiss.
Looking into each other’s eyes is such a power feeling that renders me speechless.

And I also wonder who can top this?
Though we are merely lovers, our connection is undeniable.

But I no longer want to have sex with you.
I no longer want to fuck you.
I want to do something different.
I want to make love to you.

Take you to levels of ecstasy that neither one of us has ever experienced before.
I want to love you fully, completely.
Your mind, your body, your spirit, your soul.

So tonight, if you don't mind, lets do something different.
Let's make love.

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss..

2009-06-16T14:01:00.003-04:00

They say a kiss is just a kiss.
Clearly they have never tasted yours.
For if they had, they would know that yours are like no other.

You have aroused my curiosity.
Aroused my sense of need to have more of you.

I watch your lips as you speak to me.
They are having their own private conversation.
My mind begins to wander...

Lips so smooth, soft and wet.
Passionately met with mine.
The taste of your tongue lingers in my mouth for days to come.

I want more.
Now.
Last night.
5 minutes ago.

I need more.

Not A Concern Of Mine.

2009-05-26T10:14:00.004-04:00

So, lately it seems that the topic of sexuality has been ramped in my inner circle. Some of my straight female friends (S.F.F.) believe that I, along with another friend of mine, should leave straight women alone.

First, let me say that I NEVER set out on turning anyone "out." I just happen to be a woman that straight identified women (S.I.W.) are attracted too. They tend to approach me but every now and then I will approach them. No one’s fault. It is what it is. Secondly, lesbians tend to not be attracted to me. I do not know why. Maybe it is because I do not fall into a specific category or maybe I am just too cute. Lastly, I am attracted to the many feminine qualities of a S.I.W. I am not saying that femme lesbians do not or cannot have those same qualities, just in my personal experience, they have not.

My S.F.F. thinks that we get hurt more by S.I.W. than lesbians. Her question was, “Aren’t you worried about her leaving you for a man?” I have thought about this question since it has been brought up to my attention for several years now. My answer is NO. No, I am not worried about my S.I.W. leaving me for a man, no more than I would worry about my lesbian girlfriend leaving me for another woman.

People really, if we worried about this then we would never be in any type of intimate relationship. Folks are going to do what they want to do and be with who they want to be with. I can’t sit around worrying if she is going to leave (or cheat on me) with Patrick or Patricia.

All I ask is that whoever I deal with is 100% honest with me because I will 100% honest with you.

Close Call

2009-05-25T19:48:00.009-04:00

I thought I saw you last night.
My heart started racing.
My palms were shaking.
I couldn't breathe.

I reached for my friend.
I needed support.

I started to reach out but it wasn't you.

(Exhale)

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies...

2009-05-18T12:42:00.002-04:00

Please do not try to talk to me via your friend. If you think I may be someone you want to know...come up to me. Because if you send your friend...I will say no thanks 99% of the time.

Change Is Good.

2009-05-12T11:41:00.002-04:00

Nuff said.

I Am Dependent And Not Ashamed!

2009-05-07T11:08:00.008-04:00

Today the unthinkable, unspeakable, unbelievable thing has happened to me...

I LEFT MY BLACKBERRY AT HOME!!!!!

I realized this about 10 minutes into my drive to work.

Panic set in immediately.

What do I do? Turn around or keep going? I work 30 miles from where I live and with traffic here it is not pretty. So I chose to keep going.

I have not been able to focus at work. Constantly wondering what phone calls, emails, or texts have I missed? A job opportunity, someone who I have been dying to hear from, or a friend inviting me to lunch???? I will not have the answer to these questions until I get home this evening. (Why couldn't this have happened on my half-day??)

I have a strong dependency for my Blackberry. I am not ashamed to admit it. I love that damn phone. I have even been known to use it while enjoying a nice hot bubble bath...(don't judge me).

It's so efficient, convenient, practical, handy, and super cute!

So dear friends, if you send me something and I do not respond in my usual less than 5 minutes response time, do not be alarmed. I am OK. The "shakes" haven't hit me too bad just yet.

Can I Take It Back?

2009-05-05T09:01:00.002-04:00

My old boss has gotten me into the habit of listening to the Steve Harvey Morning Show for the Strawberry Letter 23 segment. They read a letter from a listener in regards to relationships, money, work, but mostly relationships.

Most of the time the letters are just so obvious that I’m thinking how clueless are these people? Some of the situations people allow themselves to be in are unbelievable. Where are these people’s family and friends to help them out?

Well, today’s letter was about a woman who met her “perfect” man. They talk every day, have so much in common, she feels like he is the one for her and he feels the same about her. So then what does she go and do?? She suggests that they would both see other people, as to not rush into anything, and so that they could continue to take their time getting to know each other. In reality, she didn’t want to date anyone else, nor did she want to see him date anyone else.

Shame sinks in…..

I made this exact same mistake with the last woman I was dating. WTF was I thinking? I had zero interest in dating anyone else, and I damn sure didn’t want her to date anyone else. So, why would I even suggest that we should date other people?

It was a combination of not wanting to seem like I was rushing her into anything, and because I was starting to fall in love with her (which is not a feeling I have had in over 2 years).

Oh, she called my bluff. Basically stopped dating me and starting dating someone else.

Damn. Lesson learned. I will not suggest that again unless I REALLY mean it.

No Blues On This Rainy Day...

2009-05-04T17:56:00.004-04:00

Rainy days tend to make people sad. Lately, it just makes me feel more romantic and cuddly. I have no girlfriend and I'm not dating. Yet my desire to share things with that special lady are becoming stronger everyday.

I want to cook for her, slow dance while whispering the songs in her ear, take long walks through the city at night, go hiking, or just relax on the couch watching a movie while giving her a foot massage.

So even though the weather outside is gloomy, the way I feel, I'm sitting on a beach with a margarita...care to join me?

May I Have This Dance?

2009-05-03T19:36:00.005-04:00

I miss the days of romance.
If I could sing to you I would.

But I think Etta does it best.....

"Trust in Me"
By Etta James

Trust in me in all you do
Have the faith I have in you
Love will see us through, if only you trust in me
Why don't you, you trust me?

Come to me when things go wrong
Cling to me daddy,woh yeah and I'll be strong
We can get along, we can get along,oh if only you trust in me

While there's a moon, a moon up high
While there are birds, birds to fly
While there is you,a you and I, I can be sure that I love you....oh....

Stand beside me, stand beside me all the while
Come on daddy face the future, why don't you smile?
Trust in me, and I'll be worthy of you ....oh yeah, yeah

Why don't you trust in me in all you do?
Have the faith that I... I have in you
Oh And love will see us through, if only you trust in me Yeah...Yeah Yeah

Why don't you come to me, when things go wrong, cling to me and woh,
And I'll be strong
We can get along, we can get along oh, if only you trust in me.....

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past....(kinda sorta)

2009-05-01T16:40:00.007-04:00

An "AH-HA" Oprah moment if you will.

I am Dutch...well a variation of him. I could totally relate to this character. Sure it's a story we have all heard before but for me hearing it this time something just clicked.

I was hurt by a woman who I loved. So, in order to avoid being hurt again I shut down emotionally. Running through lovers just because I could. Not wanting more than a release. Not being completely honest about how I felt or lack of what they thought I should have felt.

This movie just made it clear that I need to be O-P-E-N!
Life is too short and I am not helping. I need to apologize to those I hurt. I need to forgive those who hurt me. Most importantly I need to forgive myself for letting me stop believing in me.

If people are happy with themselves, then they will attract the same in return.

I seem to be attracting women who are as broke, hurt, or unhappy as me. As a friend said to me last week "I don't want anyone who is currently in the same situation as me." I totally understand what she means by that.

I have not been happy with myself. Things have not gone the way I have needed them to go. I am not where I want to be at this stage in my life. Which means I need to check myself, re-adjust my attitude and outlook. I need to be the optimistic, loving woman I have always been, that I have forgotten how to be. I need to be that flexible bamboo that is still inside of me.

Love is being there in the morning when you wake up. It's being open to sharing yourself with another. It's happiness, comfort, bliss, compromise, and those wonderful things that we crave. Life is too short to cheat myself any longer.

I apologize to you.
I forgive you.
I forgive me.

I am open for business.

Ace In The Whole...

2009-04-16T16:15:00.007-04:00

I can feel your breath on my cheek as you move in closer for a kiss. My heart begins to beat faster as your lips get closer to mine. We look into each other’s eyes, saying so much without speaking at all. The passion we share could light up Times Square.

Our lips touch while our tongues communicate. Wanting to breathe the same air as you I hold you closer and closer with each kiss. You are so beautiful. I love that sound you make when we kiss. I can feel your heart beating and I know you can feel mine. I gently pull your hair as you let out a soft moan. Your arms are wrapped tightly around my waist.

I lead you to the bedroom. You know what’s about to happen and I can see the excitement in your face. Slowly you begin to undress. This teases and turns me on. I love the way your body looks. You are a perfect fit for me.

Laying on your back, we kiss again. I move to your neck, your shoulders, your breast, your stomach, your thighs and back up again. Not wanting to rush the moment, I am taking my time. Savoring every part of you while you serenade me with your sounds of passion. I flip you over and begin to kiss the nape of your neck, your shoulders, lower back, that soft round ass, your thighs and then back up again.

Strapped up and ready to go, I gently slide into your wet canyon. You let out a loud moan as your hands grip the sheets. I raise your hips so that I’m angled right onto your spot. Each thrust brings you more pleasure. Our love making needs no music because our bodies produce the rhythm while our moans bring in the melody. We are in complete sync. You push it back to me and I push deeper into you.

I kiss your back as I continue to be engulfed in your ocean. Holding onto your shoulders while I go a little harder. You say, “Shit Ace, you feel so good. This pussy is yours…all yours.” This encourages me to fuck you harder and faster.

Our bodies are glistening from the heat that we have created.

I flip you over, still inside of you, so that we are face to face. Kissing passionately while still stroking you. Legs wrapped around me, hands gripping my neck and back firmly. I feel your nails digging into my back and it sends chills through my body.

Moaning more and more and more, louder and louder tells me that you are ready to cum.
You say, “Baby, I want to cum. Let me cum. Please baby? Oh fuck, oh shit baby….fuck Ace….mmmm I want you to cum inside of me.”

How can I say no to that?

“Cum for me baby” I say.

Just like that we became one again. As we have many times before. Holding each other, breathing heavily, as we released our energies.

I’m holding you, and kissing the nape of your neck. We are worn out, and hot.
I whisper in your ear, “I love you baby.” And you reply, “I love you too baby.”
We fall asleep.

What seems like hours later, I reach over for you. But you are not there.

I open my eyes to find myself fully dressed, and in my bed.

Damn.

Song of the Day

2009-04-15T13:17:00.003-04:00

As many of you know music keeps me breathing. I usually send emails to my friends on my "Song of the Day" choice daily. Today, I am sharing it with you all. With one minor edit by me of course. :-) ENJOY!

I Need Love
By: Robin Thicke

Settle down love for a minute
I wanna take you by the hand and hold you
Ive waited so many nights
To see you
And I wanna take out all my problems on you

I can do better than make love to you
Better than make you say my name
Please, please, please
Oh don't you make me have to beg
I need love love love love love
I need love love love love love

Angel wont you slow down
Seems like you're always packing and unpacking again
And I now that the hardest thing is to please you
You would bring most (wo)men to their knees

I can do better than make love to you
Better than make you scream my name
Please please please
Ohh don't you make me have to beg
Cause I need love love love love love
I need love love love love

My Future Ex-Girlfriend

2009-04-14T10:47:00.009-04:00

We had our sights on each other for over a year now.
I was checking for you while you were checking for me, yet we never knew that.

Voyeuristic nights we spent together. Participation was optional, and we someone got caught up in the moment. A bond was formed. Closer than I have felt in YEARS.

Conversation flowed easily. Opening up about our pasts felt so freeing. No judgements, no worries, 100% honesty without reservations. The more I learned the more I wanted.

Sometimes you took my breath away from the way you looked at me. Relaxing on the couch watching television while giving you a foot rub are memories I will never forget.

Then it happened. Feelings started to develop and surface. I didn't want to rush into things so I asked you if we could take it slow. But then you just stopped. No explanation other than you can't expel emotional energy on anyone other than yourself right now. I respect that.

3 days later...head down, walking past me twice, in MY spot with her. Confusion sets in. Really? You came in here with her? Really? Really? Wow...OK. Really though? Really?

I feel alone and abandoned, even a little heartbroken. For I was ready to give you my heart. I was ready to keep growing and moving forward together. I wanted you to be my girlfriend and to be yours.

And I'm tripping because I am so fucking caught off guard by my feelings being so hurt. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I want to call you, I want to see you. But will that do any good?

You no longer want me. You are disenchanted, underwhelmed, not so much, and baaaaaaaby...moving on. Guess I should too. But it's not as easy for me. Though I will give it my best shot.

I love(d) you.

The Pill

2009-04-13T22:01:00.005-04:00

Closing my eyes, taking deep breath's while listening to the clock tick.
I am waiting for a phone call I will never get.

I've been waiting on this call for years now.
But I am realizing it will never come.

Some days are easier than others. The thoughts of you don't cross my mind as often.
But then it happens. A song, a place, a meal, or seeing old friends. It brings you up all over again.

I'm probably just torturing myself. I must be. Because G-d wouldn't put me through this pain would he? Not when he knows how much my soul aches. Or how much I yearn to be free of you.

Where is my Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind pill? Can I erase the memories please?

Let me.
Let me so that I may not know what it is like to feel love.

Then, maybe just then will someone else be able to have a chance.

Please

2009-04-13T18:47:00.004-04:00

I still love you. I don't want to, but I do.
Perhaps my life is mean't to suffer alone.

How my heart breaks at the mention of your name.
How do I escape this purgatory that I have ended up in?

I have tried to love others. But I can not.
I can not let them in as I let you in.
For this place belongs to you.

Let me go...please....

Making my list...

2009-04-06T22:25:00.002-04:00

There comes a point in our lives when we realize what we want. That can be what we want out of life, from ourselves, our partners, job, school, etc. But knowing what we want and making it happen are totally different things.

Maybe we need to put it out to the universe more so that we can attract exactly what it is that we want. So, I am going to get a list together of the things that I want. Yes, I already have it in my head, but I need to put it to paper. Or better yet to blog. This way it's out there and I am open to receiving it.

Stay tuned!

Puh-lease!

2009-04-06T16:38:00.000-04:00

Why is it that people claim to care about you and then when you are in need they disappear?
Please do not send me your BS messages of concern. If you really cared you would be here.
We are too old for these games people!!

Old Friends

2009-02-27T19:02:00.000-05:00

It's been 6 years since I have spent time with some old friends. They know how to treat me. To them I am the best person in the world. They are always happy to see me. Even though it's been awhile, we never skipped a beat.

Chatting it up, dancing around, the sun had come up and I was ready to go down.

Rest was the objective, though my friends were not ready to sleep.
I laid in the bed and closed my eyes. They talked so loudly I couldn't come down.

I lay awake for hours listening to them. My heart raced faster than I could ever run.

Finally, I knew something had to be done.

I picked up the phone and...

"9-1-1, What's your emergency?"

In Another Lifetime...

2009-01-27T14:05:00.000-05:00

...you would be mine. But you can not be in this one. There are forces or rather people who keep us apart. Circumstances beyond our control.

I hoped that I got the chance. The chance to show you what it feels like to really be loved. Loved the way that you have told me over and over again that you want and need. I know I could give that to you if you just let me.

You have been searching for me as I have been searching for you. Both in front of each other's eyes, though we can not be.

Not in this lifetime.

First Love

2009-01-25T12:19:00.000-05:00

The moment I saw you I knew I wanted to give myself to you.
My heart, mind, body and soul...all belonged to you.

My heart raced at just the mention of your name.

We never erased your name off of the caller ID.
For I would love to just see it there as I awaited your next call.

I had your timing down to a perfection. I knew when and where you would be and of course I made sure I was there. Crazy...maybe a little...stalker-ish....perhaps...crazy about you. About all these feelings. I didn't know what to do with all of this newness.

I can remember everything so clearly.
Like it happened yesterday.
Date, time, place, I literally mean everything.
Its was the 12Th day in the month of Cupid.
It was late. I called and asked you to come over.
I bought the White Zinfandel that you loved.
Palms were sweaty as I anticipated your arrival.
For I had hoped that tonight would be the night.
You walked in...tall and beautiful as ever.
I had a glass of wine ready for you along with some of natures finest.
Watched a movie and you told me stories about the lead actor.
Every word you spoke drew me in closer.
Your eyes were amazing.

#20 on repeat...I was slowly taken into the most amazing experience of my life.
Finally our time had come. After months of flirting, teasing, wanting and needing.
We were one. Never has anyone other than you made me feel all those things.
The sun had begun to rise...but that didn't stop us.

I never told you this but I fought back tears as you loved me. I had never felt that good to the point of crying. I was embarrassed so I held them back. Things were done that (mmm mmm mmm) I still get chills when I think about them.
I can't help but blush.

It's been well over a decade since that night. Yet, it seems like it was not so long ago. Whenever we are together, everyone knows that I am your girl. From your family to your friends to people that don't even know us. It's like we never skipped a beat. No amount of distance could ever keep us apart. To this day I am still not able to tell you no. Why would I ever want to?

You set the mold for what I have wanted in a partner and a lover. But I have not found anyone who is as worthy as you were/are.

I will always love you and be in love with you...I am forever Lucy's Cookie...

You and Me....

2009-01-14T00:09:00.000-05:00

"I like your stuff. Write something about me," was requested to me in an email.

Little does she know that I had already written about her in my head years ago.

We were 19, and love was reckless.
Caring of no one but ourselves.
He nor she knew what was going on.
Hours we spent consumed in our own little world.

You and me...me and you.

I was your first. He told you to stay away from me. You were warned, but that intrigued you more. You needed to see what all the hype was about. To you, I seemed harmless. And I was, really I was. My intentions were never to cross the line. But somewhere, somehow all of a sudden there was no longer a line.

In her car, pager off. I had to see you that night. I drove from memory. First to the studio, but you weren't there. Then to the auditorium. I sat through an act. And didn't see you. The lights came on and you were just two rows in front of me. Just a moment with you was all I wanted. I wanted and needed you to know that I was there for you.

Do you remember our song? Of course you do. It plays now as I am typing this to you. Some days I like to put it on repeat just to steal an old moment with you. How it makes me smile. I hope it makes you smile just the same.

I would do it all over again to share that moment with you.

For then it was just you and me...me and you.....

Puzzle of Me

2009-01-13T23:36:00.001-05:00

After you left I fell apart.
Struggled to put the pieces back together.
I have done well though I couldn't find a few pieces.
They seem to be lost forever.

But don't you worry about me.
I have replished those pieces that were lost and these are stronger than ever.

They have given me a stronger sense of self.
Reminded me of my purpose.

These pieces have been stronger than steel.
They help me put me back together.
A more complete me.
A better me.

These are pieces you yourself could never fill or buy in a store.

For they are a special brand made only available to me.

They are called FRIENDS.

Desire

2009-01-12T22:51:00.000-05:00

“To long for or desire”…that is what your name means my father told me.

Dashing
Eccentric
Sincere
Investing
Responsible
Energetic
Easy…….for you, and you, and you that is. (wink)

What is there to desire about Desiree? I thought you might ask that question.

It’s easy for some to just fall in love with the exterior package. I won’t scare you should you be lucky enough to roll over next to me in the morning. But to really desire me is to know me. All the complexities. The nooks and crannies. The insides and outs.

So stick around if you dare. You are guaranteed to be in for a bumpy ride.

What Are You?

2009-01-12T22:46:00.000-05:00

“What are you?” Kids would ask me growing up.
A person, I thought in my head. But out loud I said, “I’m black.”

“Well, what are you mixed with?”

“Just black” I replied. It was all I was told.

The older I got the more I noticed that my family didn’t look like the other black families. Most of them are about as light or lighter than me. Some have eyes that are hazel, blue and light brown.

My mother’s maternal side are all a darker tone. Clear enough that no one would ever question their “blackness.” Her Father was as light as she is. When my mother was a toddler, someone stopped and asked her Uncle whose white baby was he driving around?

My paternal grandfather was a leader of civil rights where I grew up. His father was one of the first black dentists. My Aunt was the first black to integrate the public school system, with her lighter than me skin and green eyes. My dad told me a story about growing up and how he went to drink from the “colored” water fountain and a white woman stopped him and told him to drink out of the correct fountain…meaning the “Whites Only” fountain.

You see my family HBC-U’d it, Omega-Si-Phi, A-Phi-A, and AKA’d it. Because they are Black!

But me, I’m not black. I’m clearly Hispanic or Indian. From my skin tone to my cheekbones, from the texture of my hair to the shape of my eyes. I mean, after hearing that all my life I have decided to start to believe it. Especially when I have Indian’s tell me that I am denying my heritage and when I have brutha’s and sista’s decide to practice their Spanish on me. I DON”T SPEAK ANY FUCKING SPANISH! OK?

But I digress.

So the next time you see a brutha or sista that’s a few shades lighter than you. Please don’t ask “What are you?” Simply say “Hello.”

I Am Not Your Get-Over Girl

2009-01-11T10:25:00.000-05:00

I am not a cheater.
I am not a home wrecker.
I am not your saving grace.
You just want to use me.
Use me for your desired pleasures.
Stealing my energy to replace your unhappiness.
Suck me into your sadness, till I am suffocating alongside you.

Well guess what?
I am not your get-over girl.

You say you don't love her.
You say she treats you bad.
She makes you feel like you are a prisoner.
Ohhh..boo hoo how sad.
Make a move. Leave, get gone. You are a grown woman.
And I don't want to hear anymore.

For...
I am not your get-over girl.

I can no longer expel my time and attention.
For I have better things to do.
Yes, my heart is open, but it is closed to you and your drama.
I desire much better than you can ever offer.
I've been in this position before, and I did not work.
I can't trust you and you won't trust me.

So, though our time was fun, I must let you know...
I am not your get-over girl anymore.

I Have A Degree

2008-12-30T23:48:00.002-05:00

I have a degree.
Only it’s not like yours.
I do not include it on my resume.
I do not request transcripts to show my straight A’s.

But believe me when I tell you that I have a degree.
Only it’s not like yours.
I’ve taken those advanced placement classes.
And studied while listening to Verdi.

My degree is somewhat different.
The application is just the start.
Like going to Juilliard for performing arts.
The audition is one of the best parts.

Yes, I have a degree.
But it’s not like yours.
I majored in Lap dance and minored in Pole.
I never took the trick’n course cuz I was not that bold.

I have a degree.
And it’s somewhat like yours.
I got a great education.
Egregia cum laude? Yep that’s me!

So yes I have a degree.
It is as good as yours.
Though I do not list it on my resume.
Do not mistake it as an encumbrance.

It has taught me customer service.
The value of economics.
I’ve learned how to run a business.
How to show up with a smile.

So when you see me on the street.
Do not think I am unwise.
For your college educated ass is working for me now.
And I’ll take my tea in five.

A Letter To You

2008-12-30T23:48:00.001-05:00

A letter to you.

I must leave you. I love you but I can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. Because I do not need you. I do not want you and I can not feel you.

I am stunting your growth just as you are stunting mine. We are not good for each other because we are too comfortable.

There is no more learning, no sexing, or touching, kissing nor holding. I don’t desire you near.

We are the best of friends and have been for years. Though we want a lot of the same things in life, I find it hard now to picture those things with you. I once did and how nice it felt. But those days are long gone, and oh how I have wept.

We have no passion. Never have, and never will. I am too controlling. While you are not aggressive.

Our paces are different. You can’t keep up. Not that you are wrong, we are just too different.

It’s time we accepted it instead of constantly playing it safe.

It used to be the easiest and safest thing to be together.

Now that we are older I feel as if it is the hardest and most harmful place to be.

Why Don't You Love Me

2008-12-30T23:46:00.002-05:00

“Why don’t you love me like I love you?” She asks me.

Have you ever been asked that question? Just how do you answer that?

In my mind I say, “Because I can’t. I no longer have the capability to love another. For that was stolen 2 years ago. Taken away from me like death steals life.
I can not love you like you love me because I am not you. I do not need what you need. I do not feel what you feel. I told you what you could expect when you starting dealing with me. I’m sorry that you thought things would change, but you must let me be.

Let me continue to be good to you, and treat you the way you want to be treated. I don’t do any more or less than before. So how did feelings get wrapped up into this? Don’t we have a good thing now baby? Why ask for more? “

Again, and again, and again she asks, “Why don’t you love me like I love you?”

Pressing and pressing and pressing as if my answer would soon be impressing.

I reply, “Well it’s plain to see. You are not her. And we are not we. I hate to say it like that, but you kept asking me this same fucking question.”

Now you are crying. I’m so sorry baby, I know that shit hurts.

But it’s hurting me more. I’m the one who is stuck to the floor. I try to pick myself up, but I keep falling back down. You are a diamond, but I can’t keep your shine.

“Why don’t you love me like I love you?”

And then I remember a rule that I forgot, “Never ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to.”

I was not prepared for what I heard.
So I had to put the mirror down, till I could face the truth.

Inspiration...

2008-12-29T23:37:00.000-05:00

The scent of your perfume intoxicates me.
The taste of your kiss still lingers on my lips.

I want more…Now not later.

When can I see you again?

A Prayer For My Freedom.

2008-12-29T23:15:00.000-05:00

Dear G-d,

Please take these feelings away from me.

My heart still aches on most nights. My arteries are clogged with remnants of her. Unable to forgive, for I do not know how.

I want to be free.

Free to give myself completely to someone more deserving. And though I no longer want her, I have her etched inside of me. Burning at my soul and tearing at my desires.

Sex is just a cover up. A way that I can hide my feelings. One moment of bliss to ease my pain. It is the drug that has worked best for me. The only one that I don't feel I loose myself in. I am safe there. No feelings get in the way. Nothing clouds my thoughts. Just silence and breathing. Wanting and needing to feel a release. Each fuck takes a piece of her away from me. Though I'd have to fuck a million times to remove all of her. There has to be another way.

She hurt me, therefore I hurt me. Hurt myself by not allowing myself or others into me. To see and have all of me, the me that I know I am and can be. The me who needs L-O-V-E.

Why? Why can't I just be?

I need peace.

I'm tired of fighting.

I'm tired of constantly feeling like I'm dying.

I'm tired of not living.

Drowning my sorrows on the unforgiving.

Hurting them because I'm broken.

Though all I want is to be whole’n all I need is to be free.

Free to be me.

Free to just be.

Free to love again.

Free to forgive her...but I can't.

I do not know how.

So I just keep on fucking till I figure it all out.

Breaking the Cherry

2008-12-29T23:01:00.000-05:00

Hello all! I am very new this whole blog thing, but I thought I would give it a try. Better to get these thoughts out instead of keeping my mind cloudy. I have no clue what I am doing. Not even sure how often I will update it, but hey...I have lots to say.

I have had many inspirations lately that it just reassures to me how amazing life is.

So enjoy and come back again real soon!

-Cerebral

Soundtrack Of My Life...

Sunday Brunch

Notice

Complex and complicated

an ode to my swan...

"Maybe I Could Help Elevate Love, Life's Existence.Not Exiguous But Luxurious Easily Today, Tomorrow."

Whose Afraid of the Big Bad C??

I am not a player...

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/latenitesnacks.rss

Dear Lover

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss..

Not A Concern Of Mine.

Close Call

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies...

Change Is Good.

I Am Dependent And Not Ashamed!

Can I Take It Back?

No Blues On This Rainy Day...

May I Have This Dance?

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past....(kinda sorta)

Ace In The Whole...

Song of the Day

My Future Ex-Girlfriend

The Pill

Please

Making my list...

Puh-lease!

Old Friends

In Another Lifetime...

First Love

You and Me....

Puzzle of Me

Desire

What Are You?

I Am Not Your Get-Over Girl

I Have A Degree

A Letter To You

Why Don't You Love Me

Inspiration...

A Prayer For My Freedom.

Breaking the Cherry

"Maybe I Could Help Elevate Love, Life's Existence.
Not Exiguous But Luxurious Easily Today, Tomorrow."